"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> RENUNCIATION
(Chapter 8 Partial)
By: Kimberly Dallesandro
I sit on a bare mattress on the floor, room so small it almost touches the adjacent wall, maxwell coffee can in the corner my private bathroom solid metal door with a window in the middle, push the metal to one side eyes look in at me, the irony of duplication me always advanced forward always standing where I always was. Four times today they have come navigating a chair to sit at the foot of my empire with their clipboards and paper it always comes back to paper. Caught in my relentless hell of hallucinations I really can't be bothered though I do my best to answer your questions, the blood dripping down the walls that are melting. It has taken me the better part of the first day to believe I am here, touching and retouching the mattress the coffee can the walls and door, the window-- all of it requiring solid evidence that it is here will remain here a constant confirmation to myself this is real as you ask ridiculous questions "How are you feeling today, Kimberly" over and over 4 times breaking my vigilant effort all my wires are unplugged in here Christ I don't give a god damn how I am feeling, in this world I am a set of eyes that take in real not real a constant hallucination mingled with what came before- solid evidence give me solid evidence I NEED SOLID EVIDENCE that where I am where I am sitting, touching, believing is real-- can I trust it will remain were I to close my eyes, go to sleep; I don't give a rats ass about my emotional response to the circumstance I find myself in, my emotional response- ability to feel died long before this happened, put down your clipboard throw your ridiculous questions away stab the spiders that are walking all over my skin with your pencil, Jesus Christ I came here because I have lost. my. sanity. you won't find that in your textbook you've studied so hard, pulling your hard chair closer as you examine me sitting tight, wedged tight in the upper most corner of the mattress back against the hard wall knees to my chest picking the spiders, killing the spiders that crawl over my arms walls melting, bleeding, never again to be a stray dog animal, now your laboratory rat. I have never been this lost before.
You call this seclusion, my friend I have been living like this not enough fingers on my hand to mark the number of years, this is as familiar as you are irritating to me, coming in with your white paper pill cup small paper cup of water put your fingers in my mouth to prove I have swallowed, you suffer too, your need to confirm everything like me we are never very far from one another, one curdles the other. Talking about rewards and punishment how to get out of here and into there where other voices are, patients you call us, the prizes being street clothes, eating with the other patients, playing outside the carrots you dangle, my disbelief once again that cements the stupidity of the medical profession. Overhearing your grating voice through the peephole yesterday, me laying down face to the wall knees tight against my chest, rocking myself like a baby I take any kind of comfort from myself, your voice droning on and on reciting the pages you have carefully complied, it always come back to paper, as the sentence this sentence blowing through the peephole from the air of your breath "...arrested, hospitalized, she was unable to identify herself, finally found her parents, OSI stepped in, 6-6 base restriction, thrown out of Europe to be hospitalized until her 18th birthday if no progress to be moved to a State facility for the. rest. of. her. life. Primary schizophrenia, secondary episodes of paranoia. 925mg Thorazine. Unfortunate....." is stamped, tattooed upon my dissolving being, the wheels mechanical wheels deep inside begin to turn as I struggle to stay calm in my self induced insanity, my eyes all that remain, seeing the single minded thought, finally the clarity and single minded thought laid out before me everywhere saturated in it seeing it clearly all around me the power in being given the information, knowledge such a sweet gift, single minded thought seeing clearly the place I must move toward, fingers brushing ever so lightly the prize feet glued in the now but that touch that confirmation I will. get. out. of. this. so sweet on my lips like the kiss you and you and you gave me so long ago. It may seem unfortunate to you, mr. crazy person doctor, but I am a solider laying in here on this mattress coffee can to pee in, hup two three four and spiders, melting walls, blood on my hands screaming most of the day and into the night so frightened I am in this world landing with both my eyes aside, all that unfortunate information aside mr. crazy person doctor know this: from your stupid mouth unknown to yourself you have given me the directions I needed to travel out of these woods, me knowing with such certainty I am lost having had the time to confirm where I am, it all remained when I woke up from my sleep--write this down in your textbooks, on that paper you guard and place between me and you you and me, know this truth mr. crazy person doctor, I may seem lost to you to them and them and them but inside this insanity housed in my quaking screaming carcass deep inside underneath all this sits me the solider and I will march hup two three four right out that door I entered, take the credit all the credit but one day you will see just my back as I leave, no State hospital for me come my 18th birthday stick that where the sun don't shine, might be somewhere in here my small room with a mattress on the floor.
Double digit months pass, pushing the truth of my insanity deep inside crunched hard pressed into the rest of the madness, hurt pain abandonment all the ugliness to this moment, barely room to stuff it all in, I am filled to capacity with disease my cake stale, inedible hard and burnt as I mix this fluffy sweet gooey mixture and begin to frost my cake to resemble yours. I am evidence if you stay focused on the prize, images flickering rolling dizzying display of events, finding if I stare at it long enough, if I focus and concentrate the images will unite forming a cohesive picture I can understand and see, I will be here again. I am awarded all the prizes, one after the other mirroring back to you what you need to see feel experience, write comes back to paper, the words that will slowly progress me through the hallway and out the door I entered. Nothing is impossible if you know where you are going, the mistake is in thinking the prize is the destination, me knowing it is just the fuel to start the mechanical wheels moving me here to there, only keeping my eye on the prize as the measuring stick of my progress, we are never far from one another, each measuring and dissecting every action to record-- you on paper me internally, the ying and yang of this unfortunate situation you moving me towards the State hospital for the rest of my life, me moving down the hallway out the door I entered. A delicate manipulation using every trick I was taught never thought any of it was worth even my tears, now realizing just boot camp training hup two three four all of it unfortunately necessary and vital every damn bit of it useful at this moment, condemn me to die as I tell you the shameful truth of my gratitude of it all in this moment moving myself down the hallway towards the door, willing your pencil to record unnatural recovery, sanity restored, no evidence of not a drop of bitterness in my frosting, just like yours sitting on my cake just like yours. You too cover my path with broken glass, potholes to fall in but mr. crazy person doctor if nothing else, if I am nothing else I am vigilant inside my insanity watching always watching understanding your rhythm as we move together in our dance that each passing day becomes more unified and beautiful to watch.
You are my most important lover, mr. crazy person doctor, you caress my mind, enter me with your insistence I return an answer to your relentless questions, create chaos potholes glass on my path to watch my response, record my progress or lack thereof. Hallucinations receding stuffed deep inside as I focus concentrate single minded thought, you are constantly on my mind as I watch discover all there is to know about you, object of my desire, using all that I have learned from all that came before I begin to turn the tables, I will walk out of that door my whispered response in your ear my eyes soft holding yours as we twirl around together this dance I am forced to participate in, illness pushed deep inside with the rest of the madness never an opportunity to understand any of it so much of my attention you are taking, my lover, mr. crazy person doctor let us move the pencil together across your white sheet of perfect paper, it always comes back to paper mr. crazy person doctor, as I pull my chair closer to yours and hold your eye a little too long, the temptation of my youth admissions of them laying on top of me spread my legs huff and puff as you offer me the grand prize of them all a cigarette, pulling your lighter out, my hand rests just a moment too long on yours. Put me in the darkness, lover of mine, watch me embrace it, throw away the key, I have been there before, humiliate me taunt me "I am the fire, you are the teapot" you say to me, moving me relentlessly over your warped landscape, we are never far from the other, calculating your eventual success, your greed at moving me into the proverbial corner poking and prodding, everyday believing you have removed one more brick mortar and brick your addiction to me in the process revealed, I lead you to your addiction watching vigilant finding your weak spots, notice your limp, your face unattractive, a lisp when you speak, coddle and stroke your failures you have your story too but this one is mine, your addiction to the thought, the action of tearing down the mortar and brick I am imprisoned behind finally to see me naked and ashamed small and frightened, insane and incurable your final victory to write with the pencil you hold in your swollen hand, fingers like sausages "Incurable." that word I am working against as I lay brick after brick one ahead of the other, always the chair moving closer to you, breath closer to your ear, this dangerous dance we are engaged in me further behind the mortar and brick, you believing we are closer to touching, I know this cat and mouse game mr. crazy person doctor hang your signs on me, take away my food for 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 days, poke and prod your needles into me, lock me up let me out, send me out to play, make me scrub the floors on my knees deep into the night, it doesn't matter to me, don't you understand, I am here with a single minded thought, I am a solider inside marching to MY victory inside way down underneath in that place I have had to go before and will return to again, this place most run from like you mr. crazy person doctor, this place were I to take you inside not a moment of it could you would you comprehend, textbooks not withstanding, this elementary attempt of yours to cure me with all your education, proof hanging behind you on the wall your needing the proof and constant confirmation of who you are, we are never far from one another are we mr. crazy person doctor, the relief I find as I sit housed in my self induced insanity a moment of clarity we are all the same, at some level eye to eye we are all the same forget the how who when of it all, that, mr. crazy person doctor is the truth I am seeing and none of this insanity you dish out to me to eat my face to the floor affects me at all, all your effort for nothing should try standing still, for I mr. crazy person doctor will. walk. through. that. door. back. last. thing. you. will. see. hallucinations I don't admit to anymore, and all.