Ten Reasons why

i love christmas

 

by jayne county

 

 

 

 

10.

I have an excuse to eat till I look and feel like a pig in heat!!! Then
I can go out shopping in the 'big girls' dept. of K Mart!!! "Excuse me miss.
Do you have this in XXXXXXXXX? I know that this size I am holding must be
made either for very small children or midgets, so could you please direct
me to the adult sizes!!!"




9.

I can get rid of all those horrible presents that were given to me last
year! "What did you say? Oh no! The present I just gave you is the one you
gave me last year? Wow, what a coincidence!"




8.

Christmas is really a 'Pagan Holy Day' so I have the perfect excuse to
drink untill I pass out in the punch bowl! *What the fuck is in that punch?
Hiwaiaan Punch? Oh crap! No wonder after 13 cups I still feel reality! Here
let me fix that punch right up. I'll just pour in a bottle of Southern
Comfort, some Russian Vodka and a quart or two of corn liquer my Uncle Veto
made in his steel out behind the barn just down at the creek!! And while I
am at it I will toss in a dozen tabs of Acid, and some THC laced with Angel
Dust. Now, that should do it!

This party will now get more than *started!!!*





7.

I can wear 'missletoe' on top of my head and get kissed by all the cutest
guys! And after a couple of cups of that special Jayne County laced punch,
EVERYONE will look more than cute!!! In fact I will just take some scotch
tape and tape a big bunch of it right on top of my wig!!! That way no one
escapes my clutches! And just in case they try, I will have some in my hand
to quickly hold over their heads!

"OK, here I come! Pucker up!!!"




6.

I know I have already mentioned booze and food, but I feel I must give a
special mention to two of my fave holiday faves. Eggnog and sweet potato
pie!!! No, not together! I don*t pour my rum laced eggnog over the top of my
sweet potato pie! Hmmmmm. Or do I? That actually might taste ok! Or melt
some marshmellows and mix them in good, with the eggnog and pour it on top
of the pie! Hey I just discovered a new dish!!! Let*s throw in a few squirts
of whipped cream and a handfull of wallnuts! Hmmmmmmmm!

Get ready to dig in!!!





5.

Well, you know what. I LOVE shopping! I am truly a shopaholic! If I go
out of the house, I HAVE to buy something, somewhere! I don't care if it's a
pack of chewing gum or one piece of wrapped chocolate covered cherry, I
gotta buy something!!! It*s in my blood! I am addicted to shopping! Going
into a store, seeing something I like and getting it, taking it to the
register giving them some money and getting it put in a plastic bag and
walking out of the store feeling fulfilled! It turns me on and gives me a
rush 100 more times better than poppers and coke!!! In fact, you can really
have one hell of a time shopping on poppers and coke!!! Go to K-Mart or to
The Dollar Store or to a really up market fancy store like Macy's or Target
and fill up that kart with clothes galore! Then go park at the fitting room
and go into the room and pull those curtains to, and do a sniff of coke
then a whiff of poppers then start trying on all those clothes, and feel
yourself going into outer orbit!!!!!!!!!! Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
girl, I just launched off the pad!!! It's especially fun trying on a tight
girdle! Get the girdle half way up then poke your sweet little head out of
the curtain and yell for some cute piece of trouser to come help you get in
to that girdle!! "Here hon, just help me pull it up some. The girdle, not
your Oscar Meyer!!! ! Put that back! Oh well, if you insist!!!"





4.

Inviting over relatives you haven*t seen all year, and getting them
good and drunk and then bringing up alot of bad things that they have all
done to each other over the years! Be sure to go back to early childhood
and school daze, then just sit back and watch the
show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He He. A little something I picked up from ANDY
WARHOL!! Get um drunk, and argumental, get out the cam and let the movie
begin!! Who in the family will get the Academy Award for being the most
agressive and nastiest asshole of the year!! LOL!!! Oh this is getting me
really excited sitting here typing this all out, and thinking bout all the
"FUN FUN FUN, TILL HER DADDY TAKES HER T. BIRD AWAY!!!" Ain*t nothing like
a good family feud to keep one entertained over the holidaze!!! I mean,
that is what Christmas is REALLY all about! Family fights and fussies!!!
So instead of complaining about them and using them as an excuse not to
attend, honey get yourself well entertained by causing a famliy squabble
and have even more fun by STIRRING THE POT till it boils over into one big
free for all! Beats the Jerry Springer Show anytime!! To make it all even
more especially wild, be sure to invite relatives that have entirely
different religious and political beliefs! WOW, that is a winner every
time. They will literally KILL EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!! Merry Christmas! Oh I
forgot, cousin Evelyn is an atheist! And uncle Myrtle is a deacon in the
Baptist Church! And one other cousin is a Catholic and one is a New Age
witch Marilyn Manson fan! Cousin Lilly loves the Clintons and Aunt Shirley
hates their guts. Aunt Chella hates blacks and cousin Linda married a black
man and has three kids! Two of the nephews are Gay and one is a lesbian and
my Holy Roller Assembly Of God, niece thinks Homos and Lezzies are going to
burn in Hell! Wow, what a great party this is!!!!! And let's not forget to
invite your extreme Right Wing RepubliKKKan Fascist Uncle Marvin!

Jesus fucking Christ! Everything but a WHITE SHEET AND A BURNING CROSS!

LET THE FUN BEGIN!! Merry FUCKING Christmas!!!





3.

Well, among the bad presents are always the good ones! And having a wide
variety of *types* of friends, some of my presents can be very interesting,
to say the least!!! My brother knows I love the Rolling Stones and The
Beatles. So he of course gives me The Doors! LOL. But I love the Doors as
well. Also I am a great lover of OLDIES. Love that old sutff my dears!!! I
am a history buff in all ways and the music of our by gone eras is just as
good to me as anything out now or has ever been! The oldies of the 20*s
30*s 40*s 50*s and 60*s are SUPRAFANTABULOUS!!! And I love all the PUNK
*oldies* as well. The Damned, Eater, Gen. X and even the Sex Pistols, even
though Johnny is an A1 asshole. But he is a lovable asshole and I adore him
in all his radiant obnoxious glory! And of course The Ramones. I still love
getting copies of rare Ramones on vinyl! Or is that spelled vynil???
Nothing like it. The Ramones were made for plastic! The sound cranked up is
better than any cd sound! And let*s face it. The Ramones were the
originators of that special fast paced one two three four sound and no one
does it better. Even Green Day who I think are quite good for *corporate*
rockers! 'AmeriKan Idiot' is one of the best rock cds ever released! And
that Billy Joe! Hmmmmm, I want to spank him, give him a bottle and put him
to bed. MY bed!!! So I get a lot of old records and cd's for xmas! And I like
that my dears! Also some of my friends that know what a history buff I am,
especially Ancient History, usually get me some dynamite books on archeology
and ancient cultures from the Near East and Central and South America. My
faves are The Egyptians, Edomites, Sumerians, Assyrians, Babylonians. Then
The Aztecs, Toltecs, Olmecs, Mayans and Incas. I HATE it when people give me
clothes. That never works out! You can*t go wrong with books, records and
cds!!!

So, LET THE MUSIC PLAY!!!





2.

The season puts me in a real *let*s dress up* mood! Usually dressing
quite *punky* or *neo psychedelic yippy revolutionary,* the Yultime Season
gets me into a very Glam and Glitter mood! And a great excuse (If you really
need one!) to pile on the make up and wear HUGE feather boas!!! I mean
looking like a giant peacock dressed up for the annual Turkey Trot Festival!
Spread those feathers and TROT around like THE WHORE OF BABYLON!!! Come
on and Turkey Trot. Cho Cho Goble Goble Diddley!!! Come get me while I*m
hot! Cho Cho Goble Goble Diddley!!! And don*t forget the purple Biba lips
with red glitter. And some deep gold eye shadow and brite orange chin
fade!!! Open up that oven door! It*s hot in there and I am ready to TROT IN
THE POT!!! Tease up your hair in a Seventies Glam do and spray the tips with
red and green! Wear a red bra and have your green mini dress that*s
trimed in white fake fur slipping down on top to reveal your push up red bra
pushing up the daisies till the boys eyes pop out like old Googley Eyes
himself!!! (By the way, that song *Google Eye* by the Nashville Teens,
released after their hit *Tobacco Road* is amazing! Pick it up off the
internet if you can find it. You won*t be sorry!) Finish off your outfit
with red stockings worn under black fishnets! A real knockout!!! Wear knee
length red or black boots if you can find them. If not wear some festive
shoes and paste some fake white fur around them or just at the top! Now
your are ready to TROT! You are now the HO HO HO OF BABYLON!!! If you are
going to a Xmas party, be sure to always be holding a giant plastic green
and red shopping bag! It will come in handy at the end of the night if you
start to get a bit hungry! You can slip in some cheese and crackers from off
the party table to have as a snack when you get home. And try to take a few
bottles of wine with you when you leave so you can have a few nips in the
cab ride home!!! Make the guy you picked up at the party carry all the booze
in case the host of the party catches you! That way you can say *OH MY ISIS,
I JUST PICKED UP A BOOZE THIEF!!! And the hostess will blame it all on the
guy! Then just innocently throw your arms up in the air and shout *What a
swell party this is!! Then ask the hostess to direct you to the bathroom,
and offer her a few Zanax to calm her down!






1.

I love Christmas (XMess) because I get to piss off all the Christians by
saying *Happy Holidaze!!!* It*s fun to be a part of the *War On Christmas*,
by avoiding the word Christ when giving out a Yultime greeting!!! He he
he!!! The one that really gets um is *Happy Whatever It Is You*re
Celebrating!!!* It makes these Christian extremists really furious by
including other people of different faiths, or no faith at all in your
greetings! It shows them that you are intelligent, and considerate of other
peoples beliefs! Many Christians are narrow minded with a superstitious
belief system that looks down on anyone else who worships different from
them. They have their own *War On Anyone Who Worships Diffferent From Me*
crap that they want to inflict on the rest of us realistic and intelligent
human beings! They claim to be discrimanated against when it is actually
THEM who do alll the discrimanating! Wanting your beliefs to reign supreme
over all others is both narrow mimded and DANGEROUS! It is pure Fascism!!!
And using a political system that seeks to enforce your beliefs on others is
totally UN AMERICAN. AmeriKKKan mayby, but Ameircan? NO!!! That is not what
our Forefathers wanted for this country. This country was started for people
to escape religious persecution. It is not right for Christians to do
reverse persecution on other religions OR people who have no religion at
all!!! OR to Pagans, Witches, Goths, Punks, Hippies, Atheists etc. IT IS
OUR COUNTRY JUST AS MUCH AS IT IS THEIRS!!! So quite simply my friends,
saying *Happy Holidays* to Jews, Muslims, Pagans etc. is my own way of
stating which side of the so called War On Christmas I am on! I am on the
side of Freedom Of and Freedom FROM religion! And they should have the
decency to respect the rights of others and stop trying to turn America into
AmeriKa. A hateful right wing THEOCRACY which seeks to suppress all who
worship, think and act different from THEM! And it cannot be tolerated! I
would rather live FREE in a chaotic, anarchistic, dangerous society, that be
a SLAVE in a well securied controlled POLICE STATE! I say BULLSHIT! Patrick
Henry, one of our most bravest American patriots once said, *GIVE ME LIBERTY
OR GIVE ME DEATH!!! Better to die FREE than to live as a slave in a
repressive govermental BIG BROTHER STATE! So my dear friends and readers, I
say this is my top number one reason of WHY I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! I get to
piss these idiots off!!! So in closing I will say.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS,
HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAZE AND HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR!!! See you next year!
 

XXXXX

Jayne County!!!

 

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