December 2017


Poetry By: iDrew

idrew@cluelesscollective.co.uk www.cluelesscollective.co.uk


my vag omg my vagina
the pleasure you’ve given me even before
i lost my virginity to darren ----- after
we’d been drinking pernod and had
a disappointing shuffle on the back seat
of a stolen light blue mini metro

with its soft downy golden fur
looking peaceful and chilled all nestled into
the cotton gusset of a pair of unfussy
white knickers (marks and spencers 3 for 2)
chrissie present from auntie sue
who lives in romford
that’s all just a disguise

for my savage vagina with its veracious
appetite that i just can’t seem to satisfy
though i try with a helping hand
but somedays
somedays (usually nights)
you need it hard and you need it fast
like a bitch
like a mare
like a cow
like a sow
like a slut
a depraved cheap whore of a slut
the things i have to do
to try and appease you


as i took off my knickers
he said jesus so beautiful
and yet
if christ was really my cunt
a holy trinity of
fingered licked and fucked
how i’d pray every night
for a sinner
to totally nail me
oh god
oh my god
oh yes
oh cum all ye faithful
joyful and triumphant
i’m crucifuxed
and in heaven above

… and now for the second coming


it’s not my pussy
if anything it’s a lion
even down to a little tiny
golden mane
it’s not my muff
or minge
and don’t call it a fanny
it’s not victorian
gash sounds like an injury
vagina is just
so text book medical
but there really is no need
to cradle it in a gusset
of fanciful euphemisms
my cunt is my cunt
beautiful and divine
glorious and heavenly
and i so love my little cunt
for it gives me so much
pleasure and ecstasy


never let it be said
drew don't do shops
'cos it's what i do best
my passion my hobby it's
what i live for
but i ain't going out there
to be pushed and shoved in
the back to be squished on tubes
have my toes trodden on
elbowed in the tit stand endlessly
in a queue going nowhere 'cos
of some dizzy cow on the till
don't know how it works

in true amazonian fashion
i'm doing my christmas shopping
in my p-j's and slippers
snugly under a blankie
clicking away at my lappy
picking pressies off the shelves @ amazon
dot co dot uk
stuffing goodies in my basket
then i'm off to cath kidston to get some
pretties then boots
for some smellies
then to the kitchen to get
a nice cup of tea

let them silly spenders
struggle home with
bags of shopping and aching arches
sneezing with colds or
maybe even the flu
i've got a firewall and anti
virus protection

it's a petri dish out there
christmas shopping is a red alert
biological warfare danger zone
and i've got to look after
my health so i can get
wasted at the parties