So, the official year of the death of a lot of the people we held dear is over. Not before it could claim one last life, Doug “Didjit” Evans. It was a shit year and we all know it. So now we march on with the fear, or joy, of our new life under the rule of Emperor and CFO of America Donald Trump. Excuse me I always throw up a little in my mouth when I think of that. I was just enjoying a little trip to New York and I always put myself through a visit to Tiffany’s as is my custom because I imagine myself to be a slightly heavier and less elegant version of Audrey Hepburn. The only problem being the Trump won’t leave Trump tower. Tiffany’s is at the bottom of that building. Four blocks in downtown New York blocked and with check points at every corner crawling with Secret Service agents. Well we did finally get there and I got to have my Holly Go Lightly moment. It only took twenty minutes to get to the door of Tiffany’s from the corner. I can’t even begin to go into the stupidity of Donald Trump, my brain will deflate inside my skull as the stupidity sucks all the grey matter out of it. So I will save my complete mental breakdown until Friday, and go march on Saturday. As should all of you. March Friday or Saturday or start your march today, just please go march. Someone asked me about New Year’s resolutions the other day. My New Year resolution is the same every year, to be less of a bitch. I fail every time, so I suffer from no major disappointments. That being said my first question is about a New Year resolution. Just read on if you dare. Since I am answering a question or maybe two I will make this disclaimer, I have NO training as a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker or even as a caring person. There, so read on at your own peril.

Dear Mrs. Hammer

I make the same resolution every year and every year I fail. I swear to give up greasy fast food. I know it’s bad for me and that it is not helping my heath at all. I just love greasy fried food. I dream about donuts, really, I’m not lying. I have a hard time driving by one without stopping and buying enough food for the family I don’t have. I wanted to know if you know of any promising programs like yoga or anything like that. I know there is something I haven’t tried. I just don’t know which of the millions of new self-help regimens might work?

Thanks,

Fatty in Fresno

Dear Fatty,

Give up. I don’t even make resolutions outside the one I mentioned above which I know I am going to fail. No one likes a failure so why set yourself up to fail? I look at it this way, I was watching a commercial where a very boney and sickly looking house wife was doing her “routine” and bragged about going from a size 8 to a size 2. Size 2? Can’t you just shop in the children’s section? I don’t understand these below 5 sizes. I don’t think they existed when I was in school. I think it’s something to make you feel like you need to compete with the impossibly skinny child models walking the runway. We can’t all be models, someone has to dig the ditches or design the computer programs to dig the ditches. The point being it takes all kinds of people to make the world turn. Don’t worry so much about your waist size, concentrate on the size of your intellect. There are far worse things than wearing a size 8, one of those being someone who spends most of their time worrying about being a size 8. The world is falling to shit, step back and take a look at yourself and decide which battles you want to fight. Or don’t… no skin off my backside.