Happy Holidays, my darling ho ho ho's! It's winter and holiday time and needless to say, this season holds a special place in my heart! I have always been like a child waiting in anticipation for the first snow fall, the decorating of the trees and homes, and the gatherings of families to spend a memory together!
No kidding, dahlings, when it comes to Christmas decorations or music, I'm like a crack ho with a 50 dollar bill, warrior shopping tactics in place and racing around to find something else to add to my arsenal of holiday bling cuz I'm channeling Clark Griswald from Lampoon's "Christmas Vacation" and God help the fool who gets in my fecking way!! "Peace on earth and good will to men", my ass...I take no prisoners!!
Of course I sent Santa my wish list early this year cuz I had some serious requests he needed to be aware of. Here's what I'm hoping Santa baby drops down my chimney ;)
For Joe Pa, Jerry Sundusky and any other pedophile, I ask Santa to give them a ten day seminar on morality with Lorena Bobbitt and a greeting card saying, "Cya later masturbator, afterwhile, pedophile!".
For snake oil doctor Conrad Murray, I wish to send a VIP letter to Judge Michael Pastor, who oversaw the Murray trial, asking if he should ever consider letting that scumbag Murray have anything resembling "house arrest" that the "house" be inhabited by Katherine Jackson and the rest of the Jackson family, with a no holds barred, no tap out rule. Anything else is too good for the prick and I say that not as a Michael Jackson fanatic but a person who has seen tooooo many physicians overlook a patient's well being and be more focused on the dead presidents (cash money).
For Bank of America, I am asking Santa for everyone of those greedy fucks to have their personal bank accounts be electronically fubar'd to the extent they become part of the 99%. Walk a mile in our shoes, you Ebeneser Scrooge clones!
Oh, and don't kid yourselves, my lovelies, I didn't forget these bottom feeding wastes of air and plasma who are involved in all the missing children abductions/deaths/disappearances. I hope they receive many visits from the "ghosts of christmas present" for them. But I'm saving all my anger for those fucktards for next month, so tune into Punk Globe for that jewel :)
Now for the good things and the good folks...yes, I do like to wish special things for special folks. Like my PG family, for instance:
Ginger Coyote: The full set of "Ginger and Zac Efron" dream house, car, rv, and all around fun play things. Barbie and Ken are so yesterday; the new dream couple is Ginger and Zac ;)
Rebecca Wilson: A super duper size can of aardvaark repellent so that she can get rid of those nasty critters who keeping sniffing around her. Have a vermin free Christmas, Becca!
Marc Floyd: Protective head gear for those trips to the den of evil known as Starbucks! Also, Santa Baby, give Marc anything he needs to keep kicking out those amazing Punk Globe covers! Am I right, folks? The dude rawks the mag each and every month.
Sharla Cartner: Sharla needs a personal assistant to make sure she takes her vitamins, and doesn't fall, trip, or go bump. I'm thinking a Hugh Jackman look a-like. Have a healthy holiday, mate. Cheers!
Gus Bernadicou: Gus needs a titanium based cover for his press pass, a groovy, "I'm With the Band" tee shirt and a big ass can of freak repellent. Have a rockin' one, cutie!
Jayne County: I'm asking Santa to bring her anything that Jayne wants! ;)
Lisa Booth: Santa is sending ya two pints of lager and a packet of crisps and a lifetime paid ticket to all the Mighty Boosh concerts you can handle. Pinch Noel Fielding, for me, will ya?
So now, since I have my letter to Santa sent off, now I focus on the odds and ends I need to get to make the holiday sing. But trust me, I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, go to malls, stores or anywhere where holiday shoppers mingle during the day. I have an extremely low tolerance for whining, screaming, crying, snot bubbling kids who have an emotional break down in shops during the Christmas holidays because mummy and daddy bring them to the stores jacked up on sugar and then, like the Marquis De Sade, they take the little ankle biters into the toy sections and deny them everything they are screaming they need from this wasteland of plastic and micro chips.
Personally, I like to hand the kids something holiday like so they don't have to leave the store empty handed so I give them the official Dark Diva Holiday Greeting Cards for Kids:
Since holiday shopping brings the worst out in people, I try to get things done either before the end of November and steer clear of the stores during the month of December. And as for "Black Friday", well, I equate that to the Running of Bulls in more ways then one because people get hurt and there's a ton of bullshit being endorsed during that day so I sit home with my cup of latte', my ciggies, with the carols on the cd player and laugh my ass off knowing I'm safe and warm in my little castle while others are playing Serial Mom at the malls. Plus, I get the added bonus of not having a cerebral hemmorage in January when credit card bills start hitting the mail boxes like paintballs at a "Jackass" filming session.
Yes, you could say, "But Divaaaaa, you sound so scrooge like!". I know, I know, I bitch, I moan, I grind my teeth, but when I boils down to the actual holiday season, I am ridiculously gushy about it.
Being of Ukainian descent, the season is stretched out until mid January because the Ukrainains go by the Julian calendar and our Christmas is January 7th, and the New Year falls on the 14th, so not only do I get extra days to savor the season, the lights and the spirit, I get extra time before I have to tear down the tree and try to store all my shit in the closet with no ending. There are also Ukrainian traditions I remember with fondness and the Christmas beliefs that are passed down through the generations. My favorite Christmas fable from the old country that I do honor is that at midnight on Christmas eve, we leave our animals to themselves and do not disturb them because legend goes it is at midnight that all the animals talk. They were present at the birth of Christ at the stable, and therefore, they are given the gift of speech to rejoice as well. You do not disturb them or they will not speak and it's a very magical event.
After midnight mass, on Christmas eve, since Ukrainians have fasted that day, a meal is made to celebrate the birth of the Christ child and the miracles surrounding it. So when we set the table with the traditional old country delicacies, we set a plate for those family members who have passed on to the other side in rememberance of them and ask them to "join us" during this special time.
It might sound hokey to ya, but old christmas memories when both my parents were alive and the families came together for the holidays are some of my most cherished memories. Daddy would take me with, sometimes, in his old pickup truck, to go into the badlands and cut down our Christmas tree. (* ok, it was before it was illegal to take plants and shit from national park lands, k???) Then we'd haul the tree home, get it set up in a stand with plenty of sugar water to keep it green and smelling lovely and out would come the gloriously colored lights and the cheesy ornaments I made at school and the decorating would begin. I never felt more giddy than those times when it was just mum, daddy and me, throwing tinsel and the folks arguing about just how evenly everything was placed. Tree decorating was a serious, major event and Ty Pennington had nothing over on my parents when it came to home make overs for the holiday.
I hope all of you can look back on a few special moments during the holiday season and make some new ones this year. Whether you believe in Christmas or not, could ya just take a second or two to take part in the magic? Throw a dollar or two into that Santa's kettle while he rings his bell so that some child who doesn't have much might get to smile on Christmas morning. Set your political differences aside and rejoice in knowing that when all is said and done, every human being on the planet has the same beating heart as you do, that every person enjoys a smile from a stranger, an act of kindness given for the heck of it, and just for a little while, we all share in the magic that is humanity!