"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Ask Madame Kymara and Milo Rock
Dear All,
Wow! Thank you for the overwhelming responses to our new column! We are trying to answer all the questions you submit, keep checking, yours will show up. Next month, our guest columnist is a famous Rock and Roll psychic who will blow you away. Submit your psychic questions early! Tune in for 2011 predictions!
Here's to a New Year full of Sex! Art! and Music! Cheers!
What do you think makes an artist successful or an automatic has been/ never was?
-Art Quandry
Dear Art,
In our opinion its all in the marketing. Not only must the artist be talented, they must also be talented at the art of schmooze. Some people sit there and jerk off waiting to be discovered. Others bullshit about what they can do and never really deliver. For example, we know of a famous artist who has not produced any new work in over thirty years, yet "The Emperor's New Clothes" syndrome follows him whenever he makes a public appearance. The public thinks they should like him even though he is doing absolutely nothing. All this person is good at is the art of bullshit. So, a mixture of bullshit tempered by networking and real talent goes a long way. Otherwise the artist is on the road to "Has been/never was"
Love, Madame Kymara and Milo Rock
Dear Madame Kymara and Milo Rock,
I came home early from work the other day and found my girlfriend screwing my german Shepard. They did not notice me and I watched. Oddly I was turned on. Is that bad? How can I tell me girlfriend I saw them and that I liked it?
-Animal Lover
Dear Animal,
We wonder about the quality of your sex life. Obviously you suck or the woman would not be attracted to dogs and to resort to bestiality. This also causes us to wonder what the hell you look like. Maybe you can reach a compromise and start wearing a fur coat to bed. Be blunt with your girlfriend and tell her how much this turns you on. Be careful about telling the dog, though.
Love, Madame Kymara and Milo Rock .
Dear Madame Kymara and Milo Rock,
What do you find hardest about what you do?
-Curious Yellow
Dear Curious,
The hardest part of doing what we do is dealing with all of the perverts, scam artists and sick fucks. In the promotion business, its dealing with all of the scum bags who try to rip us off or expect us to work for free and then trash us. Then there are the people who ceaselessly ask about the "budget" for shows that have a projected income of $300.00 as if we have a fairy godmother who leaves us vast sums of money on a daily basis. The "budget" comes from Madame Kymara's dusty wallet. Dealing with idiots and enterprising thieves is one of the hardest things we do.
Love, Madame Kymara and Milo Rock
Dear Madame Kymara and Milo Rock,
My husband recently went to the emergency room with rectal pain. He said he had an accident at a party. When the x ray came back, there was clearly a tooth brush way inside his ass! I was so upset and he told me he fell off of his friends deck at the party and landed on a toothbrush! What do you think about this? Can this really happen?
-Embarrassed to ask
Dear Embarrassed,
Does this make any sense to you? How could anyone fall off of a deck and have their asshole land perfectly on a toothbrush that just happens to be sticking up in some random place on a lawn? Was this a nudist party? Why didn't he have any pants on? No! This cannot really happen! This man is full of shit. However, he certainly does practice good hygiene.
Love, Madame Kymara and Milo Rock
Dear Madame Kymara and Milo Rock,
Is it true that tall men with large feet generally have big dicks? I hate going to bed with a man and finding out they have nothing there but two balls. How can I weed them out in advance?
Dear Sifter,
Madame Kymara has found absolutely no connection between the size of a man's feet and the size of his penis. Some men with the smallest stature are the most well endowed. We suggest that if the size is so important to you, that you roll up your sleeves and go in for a good feel. That way you can test the waters before you jump in.
Love, Madame Kymara and Milo Rock
Dear Madame Kymara and Milo Rock,
I just don't get Modern Art. All of the people I go to parties with are such art snobs! They claim to know everything about everything and to be honest, I can't figure out what they are talking about. All of that art looks like a bunch of paint smeared on canvas to me.
-Artistic Confusion
Dear Artistic,

We suggest that when you go to one of these "Art Parties" you keep your mouth shut and take advantage of the free booze. Remember...everything looks great with wine goggles on and you will be too loaded to try to figure it out, since it appears you won't ever be able to anyway. Love Madame Kymara and Milo Rock
Dear Madame Kymara and Milo Rock,
I am getting a full set of fake nails put on. How much should I tip the technician?
-Tip for Tips
Dear Tip,
We suggest 15-20 % of the total, depending on whether or not they screw up the polish.
Love, Madame Kymara and Milo Rock
Madame Kymara and Milo Rock invite you to submit your questions about Sex! Art! Music! to us via Kymara@Kymara.com Madame Kymara is an actual RN (no shit!) with extensive experience in Psychiatry and Emergency Medicine . Milo Rock is a down and dirty road worn musician, drug and alcohol counselor and artist who has been dragged into this by Madame Kymara. Yes, we argue about each response, so bring it on!
All names are kept confidential. Kymara@kymara.com